Friday, June 19, 2009
The Greatest Villain Of All Time
My fellow writers have brought forth some mighty unsavory candidates for their favorite criminal mind, but with all due respect I think we're ignoring the elephant in the room. Only in this case the elephant just happens to be a coyote.
Not just any coyote, but Wile E. Coyote, inarguably the greatest villain of all time. Consider the facts:
He wants to eat you. Long before Hannibal Lecter got his first baby teeth, Wile E. Coyote was on a mission to eat his victims. Sure, lately he's become obsessed with only certain prey — but who knows what he's eaten in the past? Unlike some fictional cannibalistic creeps, coyote's taste for raw flesh is hardwired, not cultivated from half-remembered scraps of a horrific childhood, channeled self-loathing or pathological rage. Put him in therapy and you'll discover an unapogetic predator. No whining, just drooling. He's a carnivore, and you're made of meat. Delicious.
More relentless than a Terminator. Sure, you can slow the coyote down, even flatten him like a pancake by dropping an anvil on his head, but he'll just snap back into shape and keep coming. A Terminator — even the T3000 — can be melted into slag or, if you're really clever, reprogrammed to help you instead of kill you. What kind of villain is that? (I heard you could even reprogram a Terminator to run for public office, but I don't believe it — they're too sophisticated to mingle with politicians.) But Wile E. Coyote can survive dynamite, a fall from a ridiculously high cliff, and even withstand dripping sarcasm from a bird who can't talk. Now that's a resilient enemy.
He has unlimited resources. With the ACME corporation behind him, Wile E. Coyote is plugged into a global military industrial complex beyond the wildest dreams of any corrupt dictator. Unlimited access to cutting edge technology such as rocket-powered rollerskates, the giant slingshot, and even a disintegrating ray. State of the art weapons of mass destruction are just an order form away.
He holds a grudge. There are plenty of road runners out there, but our coyote wants the Road Runner. Not all rabbits are as clever as Bugs Bunny, and no doubt coyote has eaten several in the past, but because he lost face, Bugs and Road Runner are his targets. But what if he were after you because of some misunderstanding? Think you could just apologize and get on with your life, think again. For Wile E. Coyote it's always personal, and he will not stop. To belabor the Terminator analogy, he will not stop, ever, until you are dead.
He's more immortal than a vampire. Morning sun comes up while you're still eating, what happens if you're a vampire? Dead. Stake through the heart? Game over. Vampires, zombies, witches and ogres are all lightweights by comparison. Easy to kill once you know how. Coyote has fallen off that cliff at least a hundred times and he still looks better than a zombie on its best day.
Laugh while you can. Sure, the winner gets to write the history books, and we've all seen hundreds of cartoons (rabbit-written propaganda) about the devastating defeats suffered by Wile E. Coyote. He always gets outsmarted. He's too slow. But look in the mirror and ask yourself these questions. Are you really as smart as Bugs Bunny? Can you run faster than the Road Runner?
If the answer to either of those questions is no, I'd say you're already in big trouble.