Catnapped and Doggone
Confession: I am not Jewish which considering I’m starting with a confession may not surprise you. For that matter, historically I’ve pretty much made up my own religious holiday traditions which may have to be rethought now that I think I’ve converted online. Whatever way you look at it, I’m no expert on the Hanukkah rituals. But since I knew this blog’s topic, I did go out to that holiest of ancient texts – Wikipedia – to come up with the perfect eight day gift pack for this shiksa.
Day 1: Fire extinguisher. Even when felony isn’t burning brightly in my heart, open flames could prove dangerous. I once set a tablecloth on fire while objecting at a wedding…a story for another day.
Day 2: A DIY dreidel kit. Since I don’t read Yiddish, I’m thinking the Magic 8 Ball answer cube – liberated from its plastic orb and washed clean of its – whatever that gunk is, a wooden chop stick, (forget for a second the dangers of allowing me fire) an electric drill and some Krazy Glue.
Day 3: Acetone for adhesive removal and band-aids for blood control. Day 3 is really more of a recovery day.
Day 4: Hooked on phonics rehab for both me and the I know better than you spell check software writers. Good thing we’re not in the seasonal greeting card business.
Day 5: A brachot download and Bose surround sound. The saying of the traditional prayer in an intimate setting would inevitably expose me as the Milli Vanilli of religious recitation. Better throw some traditional Jewish songs on that playlist. Singing. Shudder. After that, people will be begging me to lip sync.
Day 6: A stomach pump. Specialty foods with strict rules for preparation – I haven’t even mastered the expiration date yet. Is Quisp kosher?
Day 7: A Woman Called Golda DVD. It lacks the hummability of the Who Song from How the Grinch Stole Christmas and the slapstick of the kid’s tongue frozen to a pipe in The Christmas Story but Jewish woman rocks is still an uplifting tale of wonder.
Day 8: Three Wise Guys. Specifically, Shane, Josh and Michael. What’s a holiday without people to make you laugh and/or get you arrested?
So there it is. Yearning for gelt to go along with my latkes. May your menorah burn brightly without setting off the smoke detector. Happy Hanukkah.